Duck Duck Cougar?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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