i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
