I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
