No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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