Quick, to the slutcave!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Two words: blizzard sex
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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