in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
