I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
