The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize