That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So squirting runs in the family.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
