Don't make out with my wife yet
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
