Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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