I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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