I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I stole a fireplace last night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
