If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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