if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
