I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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