No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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