The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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