ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
