My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
