Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
