Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
