there's paper in my vomit.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
