you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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