Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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