I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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