how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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