just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
