I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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