I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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