mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
