I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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