there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
