you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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