Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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