My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
