She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
