My Higher Power is John Stamos
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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