I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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