Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
