Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
