I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
