Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
