It was confusing and full of hummus
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
