Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
