Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
