i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
