the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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