I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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