can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Apparently you make a good broom.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
