In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
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