If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize