and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
