my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
that may or may not have been my penis.
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