I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
