She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
