There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
