Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
